In an irritating situation, a spiritual leader and a
scientist agree on the right response.
The Dalai Lama advised that the alternative to anger is
empathy and compassion. The Tibetan leader was interviewed by psychiatrist
Howard C. Cutler for the book The Art of
Happiness. They gave the example of being peeved by an overcharging cab
driver. Instead of snapping at him, we can choose to think of our similarities.
We’re both tired, hungry and longing to be with our loved ones. We can feel
better because empathy and compassion reduce anger.
Scientist Loretta Graziano Breuning likewise teaches us to choose
our feelings by managing the neurochemicals responsible for our moods.
In her books (see footnote), Dr. Breuning identified the
happy brain hormones as dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphin. When we
anticipate a reward, the dopamine rush in our body will make us feel good. When
close to loved ones, friends or people with the same interest as us, we feel the
high of oxytocin. Serotonin pleasure is what we feel when we earn respect or
feel superior. Endorphin is the feel good hormone that masks pain.
In a nutshell, the founder of the Inner Mammal Institute
proposes that whatever the situation, we can always choose how to feel.
Shift to happy
thoughts
The human body evolved at a time when humans must survive
all the dangers around them. When threatened, the brained produced the hormone
cortisol which aided in delivering glucose or energy to the legs and the limbs,
the body parts we use for fighting or running. Cortisol didn’t feel good.
Today, we cannot physically fight with or run away from an
angry client, a horrible traffic jam, a slandering officemate, or a laptop that
breaks down just when we needed it. But we still secrete cortisol. Breuning
wrote, “When cortisol surges, we call it ‘fear’, but when cortisol dribbles, we
call it ‘anxiety’ or ‘stress.’ “She said cortisol is a like a warning signal.
It brings pain or a “do something” feeling so we are compelled to avoid or stop
what causes pain. Otherwise, our health will suffer.
When we feel bad, Dr. Breuning suggests that we distract
ourselves by having happier thoughts. Many of us describe this as “looking at
the bright side.”
( The following examples are mine )
Let’s say you are annoyed because the boss disapproved your
work. You may switch focus to the thrill of improving the work, making it
excellent, because it may earn you admiration or a bonus. This attitude will
cause a rise in dopamine as you expect the reward.
If you feel bad because the company gave you an economy
ticket instead of business class, you may instead appreciate the fact that you
have a good-paying job with travel perks. A serotonin high will kick in again. You
may also think that you help the company save money –which will be good for
your job security. If you have a generally disappointing day, imagine the hug
by a loved one or a caring friend. It will give you the pleasure of oxytocin.
The last time I was in the mall, I was feeling frustrated when
I was going around in circles while carrying heavy bags. Then I quickly changed
my self-talk to “ Wow, I’m burning a lot of calories! This will be good
for my beach body!”
When I was resenting that fact that I had months of insomnia, I would console myself that I was lying on my own soft bed, not on a pavement, not on a boat on turbulent waters, not in a battle zone camp. Then I would be able to sleep.
When I was resenting that fact that I had months of insomnia, I would console myself that I was lying on my own soft bed, not on a pavement, not on a boat on turbulent waters, not in a battle zone camp. Then I would be able to sleep.
There’s always a bright side. At first, shifting perspectives takes conscious effort. Dr. Breuning reassures that after 45 days of creating
new “neural pathways”, our positive response to stressful or saddening things
will become automatic.
Shawn Achor, founder of GoodThink, Inc., calls these
alternate thoughts “counterfacts.” In the book The Happiness Advantage, he gave this bank robbery example : if you
were hit by a stray bullet in the arm, would you feel miserable or feel lucky
you were not hit in the head ?
Happy makes healthy
Of course, feeling sad is part of the human experience. We can’t,
or maybe shouldn’t, escape it completely. There are many events that I surely
cannot handle all that well. But feeling stressed, sad or bitter a lot of times
will not be good for us.
Shawn Achor spent 12 years at Harvard studying what makes
people happy. He is one of the many authors who cite scientific studies
concluding that happy people become healthier and more successful in career. On
the other hand, the negative effects of stress on our body is already
well-documented.
However, being able to control our feelings should not be a
reason to be mediocre just because criticism will not affect us anymore. We owe
it to ourselves to be excellent because recognition is elating.
Our emotional stability should also not make us insensitive
to other people’s feelings. It is not an excuse to belittle other people’s
pain. We must respect how they feel and wait for the proper timing to talk
about how we can make things better.
There is a time for everything. There’s a time to rejoice
and a time to grieve. When we feel that we’ve relished our humanness enough,
we can always choose to be happy again.
( Books by Loretta Graziano Breuning : The
Science of Positivity : Stop Negative Thoughts by Changing Your Brain Chemistry;
and Habits of a Happy Brain. )
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