Being likable opens many doors. But being disliked is sometimes a better option.
After Disney released its first Star Wars movie, original
creator George Lucas publicly expressed his disappointment. Lucas, who has sold
his intellectual property to Disney, was under contract to keep his thoughts
private. But Robert Iger, Disney CEO, decided not to sue for breach of
contract. He did not even engage in a press war. Iger allowed himself to be
disliked by Lucas and maybe other critics,too. By not bothering to defend himself, he prevented damage to
the image of the Disney-Lucasfilm partnership. He also preserved his friendship
with Lucas who apologized later on.
By the way, Iger was vindicated by fans who made Episode 7: The Force Awakens the
highest-grossing Star Wars movie.
We do things with good intentions, with a clean conscience,
and with an effort to explain our reasons for doing what we do. But some people
may still dislike us.
In the book the Courage
to be Disliked, authors Ichiro
Kishimi and Fumitake Koga described the belief of Alfred Adler, one of the
three giants of Psychology. Adler advocated the “separation of tasks.” It means
that while we strive to be liked, it is not our task to make people like us. We
cannot control other people. We cannot force them to see things our way.
Kishimi and Koga warned that if we live for the approval of
other people, we may end up “living other people’s lives.”
Leaders often run the risk of being disliked if they must do
the right and necessary things. My boss Gabby Lopez said to me in at least two
critical situations: “Let’s not worry about what people might think as long as we
are sure we are doing the right thing.”
Many people don’t want to be disliked because it comes with
a bad feeling which is felt as stress. So, psychologists Todd B. Kashdon and
Robert Biswas-Diener assert in the book The Power of Negative Emotion that being
comfortable with a bad feeling that comes with a good decision should be in
every leaders’ toolbox. They advised, “it’s helpful to focus on what you want
to accomplish than what you feel.”
Being afraid to be disliked may make us vulnerable to
manipulation, pressure, or any kind of influence. You can agree with me that
saying “yes” easily gets persistent, annoying people out of our way. It also
makes us feel good to make people happy. But what if that short-term good feeling will
have long-term bad consequences?
In the book Psychological
Triggers, psychology researcher Peter Hollins recognized that “the toughest
time in saying no usually occurs right after you say so. It’s when you want to
offer help, keep talking, or do anything to reduce the tension that your no has
created. This is usually the time when you start wavering.”
So, he recommends that we “don’t need to make excuses.” We
should make our “no” short and simple because “the more details you give, the
more fodder you give people to pick at.”
Even Jesus Christ accepted being unpopular because he had to
say “no” to a request He couldn’t grant. The Jews were expecting someone who
would lead them militarily and politically. He was popular at the beginning of
His ministry. But when He preached a different Gospel, the Jews soon rejected
Him. “From that time, many of His disciples did not walk with Him anymore”
(John 6:66).
I’m still an advocate of likability because it disarms and
it influences aside from making us care about how other people feel. So, before any “unpopular” person feels justified by this
article, they must ask themselves “is my intention good, is my conscience clean,
is my explanation clear, is my approach loving? “
If they answer “yes” to the question, they can lean on what
Kishimi and Koga wrote: “…as long as you do not lose sight of the guiding star
of ‘I contribute to others,’ you will not lose your way, and you can do
whatever you like. Whether you’re disliked or not, you pay it no mind and live
free.”
Read:
Psychological
Triggers: Human Nature, Irrationality and why We do What We Do by Peter
Hollins
The Courage to Be
Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
The Power of Negative
Emotion: How Anger, Guilt and Self-Doubt are Essential to Success and
Fulfilment by Todd B. Kashdon and Robert Biswas-Diener
The Ride of A Lifetime
by Robert Iger
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One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn many years ago is that I shouldn't rely on other people's validation to measure my worth. By accepting this, I was able to genuinely stop worrying about what people thought of me. More powerful than that is that I am able to shrug off any comments that people make when they put others down in an effort to hold them down. Tall poppy syndrome or crab mentality. Pairing this attitude with a grateful heart makes it easy for me to remove unnecessary stress, anxiety and insecurities in life. :)
ReplyDeleteSame thing I learned from my boss es and from my own experience. Thank you redtuesday for your comment!
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